


Petalis Mortis

by delictor



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Heartbreak, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sad Ending, minor shallura, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-08-30 03:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8516188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delictor/pseuds/delictor
Summary: Lance tries for a full week to convince himself the only reason he thought he had feelings for Keith was because of the cute little snoring he did. He tells himself maybe it was because they'd been spending so much time together. Maybe it was just a fluke crush, nothing serious.But nothing convinces his heart to stop skipping a beat when Keith laughs or lays a hand on Lance's shoulder. Nothing makes that blush leave his cheeks when Keith cracks a terrible joke or smiles so faintly you'd have to be staring long enough to realize he was smiling. Nothing stops Lance from falling absolutely in love with Keith Kogane.So Lance decides he would die with his emotional roller coaster and loving Keith until the end of it.





	1. Until the End

**Author's Note:**

> Based off [this post](http://likeaslaptotheface.tumblr.com/post/152764622463/anyone-interested-in-a-hanahaki-disease-au) by likeaslaptotheface

It wasn't until high school that Lance really learned what it meant to find your own family. Don't get him wrong, he loved his real family, he loved them to the moon and back, but finding your own family was a different kind of love. Finding your own family in the people around you who _don't_ have to love you but decide to? That was a feeling that Lance truly adored. It started with Hunk in middle school. When Lance's dad got a promotion and they moved to a whole new town, a whole new school and Lance sat alone during lunch and during free block for a month. And then Hunk asked him where he got his star wars shirt and a friendship blossomed between them.

Lance was happy with just having one friend but that changed in high school when he made so many more, when he finally found a family of his own. It started with Hunk befriending Pidge who was friends with Keith. Lance and Keith didn't always get along, not by a long shot, maybe it started with Lance's jealousy and the way Keith and Hunk seemed to click. With their dumb gloves, affinity for crop top jackets and their god awful fanny packs. Regardless, it seemed like Lance and Keith were always at each others necks until Keith and Pidge's brothers had an accident.

And suddenly Lance was at the hospital every day with Keith while they waited for Shiro to get better or just wake up. Pidge's brother, Matt, got out of the accident with a broken leg and a few scars but it was nothing compared to Shiro. An amputated arm, several scars, possible memory loss... if he even woke up. Most days Lance walked Keith to the hospital and they worked on homework in Shiro's hospital room until the sun began to set and Lance would head home. Some days Pidge and Hunk would join them and every day Shiro's friend Allura would call.

_His girlfriend._

Keith had called her that once but when Lance asked she denied it. _She hadn't even met him in person_. That was her argument. _They're pen pals but they like each other a lot._ Keith had replied and the subject was dropped. Allura was a friend from a few states over who Shiro had been talking to for years and even though Lance had only known about her for a month he knew they were meant for each other. It was one of those obvious things that everybody saw coming from a hundred miles away.

And it was only confirmed when Shiro finally woke up three months after his accident and the first thing he spoke was ' _Allura is gonna kill me.'_ of course, he denied ever saying that afterwards.

The months after Shiro's accident were filled with flowers, homework, movies, get well notes and friends at the Shirogane house every day. Lance was over the most and that was how he overheard Keith's parents arguing about the cost of a prosthetic arm for Shiro and how they just wouldn't be able to afford it.

 _My family can pay_.

Not only had Keith been quick to turn him down but he'd also threatened to stop talking to Lance if he so much as even mentioned it to his parents. That didn't stop Lance though. His parents were well off, so well off, his dad owned a hotel, he made more than enough and Lance knew it but the Shirogane's didn't.

 

o.O.o

 

“You really care about this boy don't you?” Hector, Lance's dad had questioned over dinner when Lance had brought up Shiro's accident.

“Keith is my best friend and Shiro is his brother, of course I care about them.” Lance confirmed around a spoonful of rice. “I heard their parents argue about not being able to help their own son and I... I thought maybe...”

“We could help?” it was Lance's mother who finished the question but Lance quickly nodded, eyes flickering between his parents, his siblings unusually quiet.

“I think we can definitely work something out, I'll look into it.”

It took an entire two weeks before Hector called Keith and Shiro's parents and explained the entire idea and process to them. Hector had a friend who worked for the Limb Loss Association and after pulling some strings and cashing in some long overdue favors, Hector got Shiro pushed to the front of the waiting list. A few tests would be run, measurements taken and questions asked then Shiro would be set up with a minimum use prosthetic arm, free of charge.

The whole process had taken a month after that, the Shirogane's had cried several times and Keith had tried his best to be angry with Lance. But when Shiro got his new arm and the first thing he did was pull Lance into a choke hold and give him a noogie, Keith seemed to let his anger go. Things seemed to get better from there, Shiro and Matt started eleventh grade while Lance, Keith, Hunk and Pidge started tenth grade and everything seemed fine. Especially when Allura began talking to all of them, forming friendships and even bringing up the idea of going to college where they all planned to go.

That's how Lance got the idea to roadtrip it to Allura's house.

 

o.O.o

 

Their parents had all been slightly reluctant but by the end of the school year they were all crammed into two different cars and driving ten hours to surprise visit Allura. Half way through the trip they stopped at a gas station and a McDonald's for a small break. Lance had been given the task of going inside to order while everybody else stretched their legs. And that was when Lance noticed the girl with nicely dyed white hair and stunning blue eyes.

“I was beginning to wonder why the sky looked cloudy today, it seems like you stole all the blue of the sky and put it in your eyes.”

“ _Lance?”_

“What? I—wait, Allura?!”

“Lance!”

“Allura?!”

They sent each others names back and forth several more times in different confused and shocked tones before the others finally came in and Shiro was the first to recognize Allura

It was maybe an hour before they all cleared up exactly had happened. Allura had planned to surprise visit them as well, coincidentally on the same day, at the same time. It was truly amusing how things had worked out to Lance. After that they all decided to still head to Allura's house for the week.

The week is fun and filled with morning swims, picnics in the park, movie nights, games of hide and seek in Allura's house and the fair on their last night there. Really, the fair was like something straight out of movie, the way Allura and Shiro kissed at the top of the Ferris Wheel, it was almost too cheesy for Lance.

Allura visits them for Christmas during Shiro and Matt's senior year of high school and she visits again for their graduation. They all head to her town right afterwards for _her_ graduation and that's when she tells them she's going to college in their home town. She's moving.

The summer before Lance's senior year of high school is them going back and forth from their town to Allura's to help her move into her dorm on the campus. They spend the fourth of July together and on the last day of summer they all camp out in Lance's backyard.

 

o.O.o

 

Senior year goes by in a blur, spirit week is filled with a bunch of different costumes that Lance designs himself for everybody. He makes sure to always give Keith the silliest one. Halloween they take Lance's younger brothers and sister trick-or-treating and all get a bag of candy for themselves in the process. For Thanksgiving Lance leaves town with his family but for Christmas he stays in town to spend it with everybody. They do a little secret santa exchange and when he unwraps a charm bracelet with six different flower petals on it he's a little confused.

“Why flowers?”

“Because flowers hold so much meaning and beauty.” Allura explains, lifting the bracelet from the box to point at each flower. “Seven, one for each of us. Hunk got a delphinium for big-heartedness. Shiro got a purple iris for wisdom, Pidge got a bird of paradise for joyfulness. Matt has a bouvardia double for enthusiasm, Keith has a gladiolus flower for strength of character. My flower is a calla lily for magnificence and beauty and a blue iris for faith, for you Lance.”

It was a deeply thought out gift, he'd give her that. Taking the charm bracelet back into his hands, he looked over each charm, noticing the little initials on the back of each flower. “I love it.” And he did, he really did, he wore it every day after that. He never left the house without the charm bracelet even if it didn't exactly match his outfit of the day. Allura became something of a big sister for him after that.

 

o.O.o

 

High school graduation was something Lance would never forget. Most of his relatives had come to town and his house was packed, Keith, Pidge and Hunk all inviting their families to Lance's house to celebrate. Lance isn't sure how but at some point in the night they all sneak out to go bowling. Lance brags the whole way there about being the best at bowling and everybody seems to brush it off until Lance gets three strikes in a row. He wins by nearly eighty points, Hunk coming in second followed by Allura, Shiro, Pidge, Matt and Keith in dead last with a total of ten points.

“It was rigged, you rigged it.”

“You're a sore loser.” Lance laughs, maneuvering Keith into the arcade area of the building.

“Whatever.”

“Come on you big baby, you can beat me at something like...”

“A shooting game maybe?” Keith quickly supplies, pointing to a nearby one.

“No, no, I have a great aim, that's why I'm good at bowling and you suck. You'll lose that too.”

Keith doesn't seem too happy with that response but he lets it go. “What about air hockey?”

“I guess.”

Lance loses. Badly. Ten to zero and Keith almost looks smug about it until Lance reminds him he got a grand total of ten points at bowling too. They end the night with pancakes at the local diner and well into the night they all finally head home.

 

o.O.o

 

It's a month before college starts when Lance is told his aunt has the Hanahaki Disease.

“What even is that?” he asks over the group call, about to look it up when an answer is given to him.

“A disease in the respiratory system, flowers bloom in your lungs and build up until you choke. It's because of unrequited love, there's medication for it but you can also get a surgery to remove the flowers.” it's Keith. Keith gives him the answer and Lance frowns at what he's told.

“So she's dying because she's in love?”

“Yeah.”

“You guys ever heard that saying that love and beauty go hand in hand? That's kind of an ironic saying now that I think of it. Because flowers are beautiful and these killer flowers are technically beautiful.”

“It's poetically morbid.” Allura chimes in, Hunk and Pidge mumbling in agreement.

“I think if I ever coughed up petals I'd be at the hospital to remove those feelings a few minutes later. Like, 'cut me up doc, I didn't sign up for a greenhouse in my lungs' you know?” Lance notes, most of the others agreeing. Most.

“You lose your feelings for the person forever.” Keith's tone is almost accusing. “You'd give that up?”

“If it's unrequited then yeah. Why bother, right?”

Keith doesn't answer, instead he excuses himself and the topic isn't brought up again after that.

 

o.O.o

 

A week before classes actually start, they're all helping each other move into the dorms. They're all in the same co-ed building. Pidge rooms with a girl named Shay on the first floor while Lance and Keith share a room on the second floor. Hunk rooms with another STEM major (Lance can't remember if the kid was Computer Engineering or just a math major) on the second floor, a few rooms down from Keith and Lance. Shiro, Allura and Matt all get an apartment a few blocks away from the school but still help the rest of them move into the dorm rooms.

“I call the top bunk!” Lance immediately calls out, tossing his coat onto the top bed and turning to grin at Keith.

“Alright...” Keith frowns with a shrug. “At least I don't have to climb up and down a ladder every morning and night.” that's when Lance's smile falls and he turns his gaze to the bunk beds.

“Crap.”

 

o.O.o

 

The first week before classes officially start are spent arguing about how to decorate their dorm room. Lance wants Christmas lights hanging around the room while Keith absolutely refuses. They finally settle and agree to place some on the bunk beds and light them when they watch movies or late in the afternoons. The futon they buy is split fifty-fifty and Lance wants a blue one while Keith wants a black one. Again, they compromise, a black futon with a blue throw blanket and blue throw pillows. Lance wants stars on the ceiling but Keith thinks the idea is childish. But no matter how much Keith argues against it Lance still decorates the small area above his bed with stars.

Finally, when classes start they see each other less. Lance has afternoon classes every day. He's usually in class starting at twelve and done by six. Keith has morning classes, starting at seven thirty and he's done by one, Tuesday and Thursday though he has one night class at seven. Sometimes they meet up for a late breakfast (if Lance can manage to pull himself out of bed in time).

Dinner is the best part of Lance's day. Six is when everybody is either done with class or has enough time to sit down and eat with everybody. Lance is always the last to get to the dining hall and Keith is always the first to leave. They get a little less than an hour all together to catch up.

 

o.O.o

 

A month into the school year Lance is laying on the futon when Keith gets back to the dorm later than usual. Sitting up, Lance frowns at the way Keith mumbles to himself and drops his backpack roughly. “You okay?”

“No.”

“Wanna ta—”

“No.”

“Movie night?”

Keith pauses at the offer, “Don't you have homework to do?”

“No, last class got canceled so I had an extra hour to do my homework. I'm pretty far ahead actually. So movie night?” Lance repeats, sitting up on the futon and patting the spot beside him. Keith seems to mull it over before nodding and kicking his sneakers off. “What are you in the mood for? Horror? Comedy? Romcom? Documentaries?”

“You hate documentaries.” Keith scuffs.

“I don't hate the mermaid one or the aliens one.” Lance quickly defends while waiting for the Netflix screen to load on their tv.

“A comedy is fine. I'm not in the mood to think.” A few minutes go by before the movie starts playing and Keith lets out a soft laugh. “Lance this is Lilo and Stitch.”

“Yeah but it's funny.” Lance quickly explains, setting the remote down as far from Keith as possible. “Just shut up and watch it.”

They're maybe half way through the movie when Lance realizes he isn't paying attention at all. He's actually not sure what exactly he's been thinking about but he tries to focus on what's happening on the tv. Then it happens. Keith's head presses against his shoulder and suddenly Lance is _very_ aware of how close Keith is sitting. Keith's hair tickles at his cheek and he can faintly smell Keith's shampoo.

He's not sure why such a simple gesture makes his heart race or his mind ignore the movie even more than before. But by the time he hears faint snoring the movie is over and Lance is blinking several times over. “Keith?”

His only response is a slight jolt from Keith and then his almost silent snoring picks up again. Lance's first regret is not having his phone close enough to grab and record Keith snoring and most likely drooling on him. His second regret is realizing he doesn't want to move Keith to his bed. His third regret is jostling the boy awake.

“Huh?”

“You fell asleep, you must be really worn out.” Lance laughs, hand resting on Keith's shoulder to keep him from swaying to side to side.

“Yeah I... haven't been sleeping much lately.” Keith nods, stretching his arms above his head with a groan. “I'm gonna go shower.” and with that, Keith leaves the futon. Lance watches him as he walks around the room to grab his shower things then leaves.

“I'm fucked.” Lance whispers once the door shuts behind Keith.

 

o.O.o

 

Lance tries for a full week to convince himself the only reason he thought he had feelings for Keith was because of the cute little snoring he did. He tells himself maybe it was because they'd been spending so much time together. Maybe it was just a fluke crush, nothing serious.

But nothing convinces his heart to stop skipping a beat when Keith laughs or lays a hand on Lance's shoulder. Nothing makes that blush leave his cheeks when Keith cracks a terrible joke or smiles so faintly you'd have to be staring long enough to realize he was smiling. Nothing stops Lance from falling absolutely in love with Keith Kogane.

Maybe nothing stops Lance from falling in love but something does stop him from telling Keith how he feels.

“So you have a date?” Lance questions from his spot on the top bunk.

Keith is moving around, laying shirt after shirt across the futon. “Yeah.” he mutters, tossing another shirt into a pile Lance can only assume is the reject pile.

“How come you're only just now telling me about it?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean a date is usually planned right? Like a week in advance or something? But you're only telling me the day of.” Lance points out, sprawling across the mattress on his stomach.

“Oh. No, he asked me out this morning during chem class.” Keith answers after a short pause. “What do you think? This shirt?” he asks holding up a dark gray button down.

“With what? The black jeans you're wearing?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, you'll look pretty h—uh, pretty.” Lance nods. Keith frowns at the response and tosses the shirt back to the futon.

“I'm not going for pretty.”

“It's just a figure of speech, you'll look pretty hot is what I meant.” Lance sighs, head falling to rest on his forearms and legs swinging up behind him. “When are you leaving?”

“Thirty minutes.”

The thirty minutes before Keith leaves go by too fast for Lance's tastes. He tries to think up a few excuses for Keith to not go but nothing seems plausible. He could admit his feelings but the whole ordeal convinces Lance that Keith is going on a date because he likes _that_ guy.

The three hours that Keith is gone go by too slow for Lance's sanity. He does several things to pass the time. He scrolls through his phone for maybe an hour. He tries to watch several different movies but nothing catches his attention. He attempts homework but he can't seem to focus. He's laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling when he hears the doorknob rattle. He doesn't move, but he does listen, he hears Keith's muffled words, a second voice and.... and was that _Keith giggling_? Lance didn't know Keith had a laugh that wasn't either sarcastic or sounded like a hyena. The soft giggling only made Lance's stomach twist because _he_ wasn't the one making him laugh like that.

“Goodnight.” the door finally opens all the way and Lance tilts his head up to look at an upside down Keith. “Lance?”

“How's the weather up there?”

“Up where?”

“I hate you.” Lance breathes, Keith rolling his eyes and stepping around Lance's body. “How was the date?”

“Nice.”

“Just nice?”

“Fantastic.” Keith shrugs.

“Where'd you guys go?”

“Dinner. He took me to his dad's restaurant.” Keith answers quickly changing into his night clothes.

“Any kissing?”

“No Lance, it was a first date. Why are you asking a million and one questions?”

“Just looking out for my buddy Keith, my man, my dude, you know?” Lance laughs. Keith only hums in acknowledgment before moving to sit on the futon. Netflix is already on the screen so he just starts scrolling through.

“Movie?”

“Scandalous.” Lance laughs, pushing up into a sitting position on the floor.

“What?”

“You just came home from a date and you're already planning a movie night with a different guy? Keith you dog.” Lance cackles.

“Oh shut up!” Keith groans, grabbing the nearest pillow and pelting Lance in the face with it.

 

o.O.o

 

The next two months are a struggle for Lance. His grades seem to slip but when anybody asks he says he's just peachy. He's fantastic, better than ever. Keith goes on several more dates but never gives much detail on them when Lance asks. Lance is truly surprised nobody picks up on how badly Lance is crashing, especially Hunk.

He starts to skip their nightly dinners in favor of sitting in the library. Of course, with midterms just around the corner nobody seems to question it as long as Lance tells them he did grab a lunch on the way to the library. And nobody seems to notice when Lance starts skipping classes. Nobody seems to notice anything and it only serves to make Lance feel worse.

He knows he can't blame his friends, not when he tells them he's alright, not when he puts on a fake mask when anybody questions him. And no matter how much time he spends away from Keith Lance can't seem to get him off his mind. His feelings are stupid, they're only a fluke, he'd get over them. He had to.

 

o.O.o

 

“We'll be back Monday night.” Keith reminds Lance on Friday morning, bag in hand.

“Mm. Have fun in Seattle. Bring me back something.” Lance nods from his desk.

“I'll try. Probably just some cookies or something though. Mom likes to make those for my friends.” Keith answers, heading to the door. His hand is gripping the doorknob when he pauses and turns to frown at Lance.

“What?” Lance questions when he catches Keith frowning at him.

“Nothing, just don't destroy the room while I'm gone?” it's a stupid thing to say in Lance's opinion but that doesn't stop him from laughing.

“I'll try, now go or Shiro is gonna blame me if you guys miss your flight because you wouldn't leave the dorm room.”

Once Keith is gone Lance isn't sure what to do. Keith and Shiro were going home for the long weekend to visit their parents who had moved back to Seattle once they both started college. Keith's family had moved to Santa Monica when Shiro started high school and then their parents moved back to Seattle five years later when Keith finished high school. It still baffled Lance as to why they had moved down to California for a _high school_. But every time Lance questioned it he didn't get a straight forward answer from either Keith or Shiro. So eventually Lance gave up on the idea of figuring out why.

The rest of Friday night goes by slowly and is filled with movie after movie. Finally, he settles on Lilo and Stitch and lays back against the throw pillows, blankets wrapped around himself. He's ten minutes into the film when he gets a tickle in the back of his throat. Clearing his throat doesn't seem to help at all and then the coughing starts. He's quick to sit up and panic swells in his chest when he can't stop to catch his breath.

He stumbles to his desk and grabs the nearest water bottle but he can't stop long enough to take a sip. Finally, the reason for his sudden coughing fit comes up and it doesn't calm him, in fact it sends him into a worse panic.

 _Purple flower petals_.

“Fuck. No fuck, no, no, fuck, no fuck!” Lance cries out, petal slipping from his hand. He quickly moves to the front of his desk, shoving his chair aside and powering up his laptop. His hands move across the keys shakily, several typos slipping in but he still gets the result he was looking for. The Hanahaki Disease.

 

* * *

 

 

**_Hanahaki Disease._ **

_Is a disease that was first founded in Japan. It's caused when a fungi (Aihato) and body induced chemicals mix, causing a reaction. Due to the high levels of dopamine and oxytocin (from love) mixing with high levels of cortisol and epinephrine (from heart break) they cause a new chemical to form: burekophrine, if traces of the Aihato fungi are in the body. Due to unsanitary trading, the fungi spread from Japan to other continents and countries in the early 1700's. A cure was found by Isayama Hiroshi and Alexander Smith in the early 1900's. The disease has become well known but due to the possibility to cure it now it has lost some of its original craze. Even to this day millions are affected by the disease year round but the death toll has significantly dropped to a few hundred thousand a year._

 

**_Stages._ **

_Stage one, sprouts. Can go unnoticed but cause difficulty breathing when around the cause of them. This stage can last anywhere from one month to four months._

_Stage two, petals. Flowers have begun to bloom in the respiratory system and petals that come loose will cause choking and difficulty breathing. This stage can last anywhere from one month to three months._

_Stage three, withering. This is the last and final stage, when the flowers have fully bloomed and begin to wither away. Will cause rips in the pulmonary lining as well as begin to detach themselves and cause choking as the lungs attempt to remove them through coughing fits. This stage can last one to two months._

 

**_Cures._ **

_Stage one: medication to prevent the flowers from blooming, if the medication is taken for a long period of time it can cause complications or the flowers can adapt. Eventually blooming despite the medication._

_Stage two: surgery. Once the flowers have bloomed medication will have no affect. The procedure is performed often enough that there is little to no risk to the patient. However, if the surgery is successful the body builds an immunity to it and the patient never runs the risk of getting Hanahaki again._

_Stage three: terminal. Once the last and final stage begins there is no cure, surgery will only prolong the patients life but the flowers will rebloom at a faster rate each time._

 

**_Side effects._ **

_Stage one: medication can cause heavy mood swings due to the change in hormone levels._

_Stage two: surgery will cause memory loss of the source of the flowers as well as the 10% possibility of loosing any and all emotions. 10% of all patients have reported losing all emotions but regaining them later on in life. Only 2% of patients report never feeling any kind of emotion ever again._

_Stage three: terminal._

 

* * *

 

 

Lance was fucked.

That was his first thought after reading the medical page on it and glancing to the petal on the floor. He was dead, done for, he was coughing up petals already. He could always go get checked, could see if he could get that surgery could—could lose his feelings and memories of Keith forever. He could even run the risk of losing all his emotions if he needed that surgery.

Lance wanted to cry.

That was the gist of what he was feeling. Other ways he could describe it were: overwhelmed, terrified, angry, upset, hurt... the list went on. He was in a panic. He was already in stage two and if the petals were coming off how long did he have? A month? _Maybe_ two? He had to make a decision quick. That's when he remembered that one chat in high school, when his aunt had told them she had the disease. He had told Keith and all his friends that he would give up his feelings for the person in a heartbeat, especially if they were unrequited.

He had lied.

He didn't want to forget Keith, didn't want to lose him. Even if he could technically rebuild their friendship it wasn't ideally what Lance wanted. He didn't want Keith to not know either. Maybe it was stupid, poetically stupid but Lance would die with the disease. He would die loving Keith. Not just that but he'd die with his emotions. The chances of him losing them were slim to nothing but they were still there and Lance preferred not to lose that. He was an emotional person, he experienced almost every emotion ever named each and every day.

Love, joy, excitement, anger, jealousy, boredom, fear, curiosity, fear, panic, amusement, frustration, he felt anything and everything. He couldn't imagine having to go day to day not feeling anything, not feeling the need to laugh at stupid jokes, not having the urge to shout at his history teacher for testing him on something he hadn't learned. He couldn't imagine feeling absolutely nothing, just the thought made him feel afraid.

So Lance decided he would die with his emotional roller coaster and loving Keith until the end of it.

 


	2. Keith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Lance throws up, there's blood mention, mild choking and a panic attack.

Lance hides it as best he can. He even tries to get over it but when Keith and Shiro get back on Monday night all of Lance's feelings hit him like a wall of bricks. He's slightly overwhelmed when Keith walks in, smile on his face and ranting on about how great it was to see his parents again.

“Anyway though, mom sent these cookies for you.” Keith says as he hands over a tupperware full of macadamia cookies.

“Thanks.”

“So what did you do all weekend?” Keith asks, kicking his shoes off and into the bottom of his closet.

Lance is chewing on a cookie when he shrugs in response. “I watched probably everything on Netflix. Hunk took me out for lunch on Saturday and I went home for dinner yesterday.” and of course Lance completely neglects to mention his coughing fit.

“Sounds nice I guess.”

“Yeah.” Lance nods, finishing off his first cookie. “You want one?”

“No, it's fine, I have a tub full of cookies for myself. Mom spent all of yesterday making them for my friends. I have some for Hunk and Pidge too and Shiro has some for Matt and Allura.”

They fall into a comfortable silence after that, Keith putting away his clothes from the trip and Lance watching while chewing on cookie after cookie. He watches the way Keith doesn't kneel when he picks something up off the floor, he just bends over and Lance can't help but--

_No._

“We should invite everybody over tomorrow.” Lance starts, Keith pausing to glance over his shoulder. “For like a game night or something, we haven't had fun in a while. We could have everybody over and play games and just eat a bunch of junk food.”

“I... guess? I'll tell Shiro to ask Allura and Matt then we can ask Hunk and Pidge, maybe even Shay can come over.” Keith nods, sliding his suitcase under the bunk beds and plopping down at his desk.

“Cool.”

o.O.o

It's like that for a full week. Lance inviting everybody over or out for a late dinner or ice cream run. Nobody really questions why Lance is so eager to spend time with everybody suddenly, but most of them tie it to the fact that it's near Christmas.

Lance goes home the following weekend and tells all of his siblings just how much he loves them. He spends one night with his mom watching old family films and the spends another night with his dad picking up some new cooking skills. Sunday night he hugs and kisses each of them goodbye and drives back up to campus. Keith is up doing homework when he gets there and small greetings are exchanged.

Immediately Lance begins bringing up new things their friend group could do that week and maybe even things to do over Christmas break. Lance doesn't miss the way Keith looks at him, as if he's trying to figure out some kind of motive behind Lance's ideas. Keith agrees with everything Lance suggests though and when they settle down for a late movie, Lance sits a little closer to Keith than necessary. And maybe he doesn't mind the way Keith's head seems to rest on his shoulder a few minutes into the film. And he definitely doesn't mind when Keith falls asleep and Lance shifts them around until they're both laying comfortably across the futon. Keith's back pressed to his chest and an arm draped over the slightly shorter boy. He definitely doesn't mind being that close to him even if the physical contact causes his chest to tighten and his throat to tickle.

o.O.o

It's been a full two weeks since Lance found out he had the Hanahaki Disease and he's managed to keep it under wraps. He hasn't focused much on homework, considering he was going to...

“Hey Hunk?”

“Yeah buddy?”

“How do you write a will?” Lance questions, sprawled out across his dorm room floor. Hunk shifts in his spot on the futon and glances at Lance over his Chemistry textbook.

“A will?”

“Yeah, you know, like when people die they write a will?” Lance asks, turning his head, fingers pulling at the carpet. “I've never actually considered it but we could die at any moment, shouldn't we have written wills already?”

Hunk seems uncomfortable with the thought and Lance almost regrets even bringing it up. “Well, I'm not completely positive but I think people only write a will when they're getting married, having kids, starting a business or they're dying.” then Hunk's face lights up with horror and Lance's blood runs cold. “Lance you're not...”

“Hunk...”

“Oh my god, Lance who did you get pregnant?!” Hunk slams his book shut and all but throws himself to the floor, hands grabbing Lance's shoulders and lifting him off the floor into a sitting position. “I gave you a sex ed course! My moms talked to you about it! Your own parents talked to you about it! And you still went and got a girl pregnant?!” Hunk sounds near hysterics and Lance is too shocked to even say anything. “Lance! You're naming that kid after me or I swear--”

“Hunk. I'm not having a kid—er--I didn't get anybody pregnant either.”

The look of relief on Hunk's face is almost painful for Lance to take in. “Oh thank god, then why did you want to write a will?”

“I was just curious?” Lance shrugs, throat suddenly ticklish. He coughs once and clears his throat, sitting up fully. “Hey, can you hand me my w-wat--” his words are choked when he's suddenly thrown into a coughing fit. He's hitting his chest, coughing several times in a row, gasping for air between coughs.

Hunk looks absolutely terrified again. He's quickly grabbing the water bottle off the desk and all but shoving it in Lance's face.

“W—wai--” Lance can't seem to catch his breath or even force the word _wait_ out at Hunk. His eyes are brimmed with tears and he's trembling, throat suddenly burning.

“Lance? Lance, what's happening?” Hunk is actually in hysterics now, he's shaking almost as much as Lance is and he's looking everywhere, patting his pockets. _Oh_. He's looking for his phone. “Lance I'm calling Shiro.”

“N-n--” Lance gasps, coughing another few times. He's sitting on his knees now, clutching a hand to his chest and resting the other on the floor in front of him. That's when he notices the specks of red hitting the carpet. _Oh no_. He was coughing up blood and there was no way Hunk was going to miss that.

“Shiro? Shiro, Lance is choking!” Hunk's panic is contagious and Lance feels his chest tighten in fear. “I—I don't know! He started coughing and he can't stop. Shiro I'm sca—he's coughing up blood! What do I do?!”

Lance let's out a choked sob, suddenly terrified out of his mind. He's shaking so bad, coughs becoming sparse but still wracking his body. His heart is thumping in his ears and he can feel sweat rolling down his back.

“Hurry, please!” Hunk's hands are suddenly on his upper arm and lower back, rubbing slow circles and he's whispering soothing words. “Come on Lance, it's okay buddy, you're going to be fine.” Lance shakes his head, coughing two more times into his hand and swallowing down air as soon as those coughs clear away. He can taste iron and... and dirt and he knows he's not supposed to. “Come on, let's get you outside, Shiro is on his way.”

“N-no.” Lance chokes out, trying to push Hunk away but not having enough energy to do more than rest his palm on Hunk's chest. “K-Kei--” his vision goes fuzzy and he's coughing again. Or more like hacking, his throat feels like it's on fire and then he's gagging. The hand resting on Hunk's chest suddenly grips his shirt in a fistful and then he's puking. Lance's body convulsions violently as he's puking up his dinner and when the wave of nausea passes he's sobbing. “I—my m-mom. I wa-ant my mo-om.” he sobs, eyes blinking rapidly, tears rolling freely down his cheeks and he can feel strands of saliva hanging off his chin.

Or maybe it's puke or blood, he's not really sure but he can see the mess on the floor in front of him. It's a mix of his grilled cheese from earlier with stomach acid, blood and... and purple flower petals.

“L... Lance?” Hunk's voice is barely above a whisper and his grip on Lance's shoulder and lower back suddenly feel heavier. “Are those... petals?”

“I-it hurts...” Lance chokes out, shoulders rising and falling violently as he takes in deep breathes. He's hyperventilating, he knows it. He knows it but he can't seem to calm himself down. “I can't—I c-can't. Hunk.”

“Hey, it's okay, listen, slow down your breathing come on, take a deep breath and hold it. I've got you.” Hunk whispers but Lance shakes his head, still gasping violently for air. “Lance! Listen to me, you're going to pass out if you keep breathing like this, please.”

“I'm s-so sca-ared.” Lance cries after a quick inhale. He's lightheaded and true to Hunk's words, Lance slumps against his best friend's chest, his breathing still quick and uneven. “I'm... I--”

“Lan.....” he doesn't hear the rest of his name, things begin to fade in and out and he's vaguely aware of being jostled around and then lifted off the ground and held against somebody's chest. He can hear a few more voices but he can't make out who they are. He's still breathing quickly despite being near unconsciousness.

Forcing his eyes open, Lance doesn't have enough strength to even lift his head but he catches sight of a familiar head of black hair. “Kei... th?” he breathes out, a hand gripping his and a loud muffled voice filling his ears. Then he blacks out.

o.O.o

The whole ride to the hospital is a mess. As dangerous as it was, Hunk sat with Lance in his lap, his body limp and his breathing almost nonexistent. Keith sits beside him, holding Lance's hand all while shooting question after question about what exactly had happened. Shiro drives and he runs every red light they come across.

They get to the hospital in record time and the very second Shiro tells a nurse that Lance is coughing up flower petals they bring out a stretcher and take him away. Allura, Matt and Pidge all show up soon after followed by Lance's mom and dad. They're immediately taken through the automatic doors, Keith assuming to fill out paperwork and decide what they would do.

Keith is still standing at the edge of the lobby, eyes trained on the automatic doors, waiting for Lance's parents to come out and update them. Hunk is in one of the chairs, crying his eyes out while Allura and Pidge rub his back and talk to him.

“How are you holding up?” Shiro questions, coming to stand beside Keith.

“I'm not the one coughing up flowers.”

“Right. That's all Lance, isn't it?” Shiro nods. “I meant how are you handling this? Scared?”

“Of course I am.” Keith snaps, glare turning to Shiro. “He's my friend, my roommate, of course I'm worried! Probably more worried than whatever dense headed girl is out there ignoring him.” he's almost seething and he doesn't really care if Shiro and the others find his words suspicious.

“He'll be fine, I think he still had time for the surgery.”

“How would you know?”

“I've done my fair share of research on the disease.” Shiro explains, Keith recalling that Shiro _was_ studying to be a doctor.

“Right, I forgot. How's Hunk?”

“A bit traumatized I think. He called me right away, he was crying and freaking out. I got there just after Lance had puked.” Keith nods, remembering how he'd seen Shiro run into his dorm building just as he was walking up himself. He'd wasted no time in running in after his brother only to find a crying Hunk carrying an almost lifeless Lance in his arms. The blood splattered on Lance's shirt had immediately struck fear in Keith's stomach and he'd basically started screaming. Then Lance had spoken his name and Keith's body reacted before his mind. He had taken Lance's hand in his own and started shouting questions all while Shiro tried to push him aside to get Hunk and Lance out to the car.

“He thought his best friend was dying right in front of him, in his arms, I'd be traumatized too.” Keith nods, finally turning and moving to sit in one of the empty chairs.

“He'll be fine.”

And that's the last straw for Keith before he blows up. “Shut the fuck up Shiro! You don't know that. You might be a doctor one day but right now you're just—just some guy! Lance just threw up blood and fucking _flowers_ , don't try and tell me he'll be fine until a professional doctor says that too.”

He doesn't mean to be so harsh, doesn't mean to attract so much attention but his blood is boiling and his face is flushed with anger.

“I'm sorry.” Shiro whispers.

Several hours go by but none of them leave the hospital. They get snacks from the vending machines and pace around, Lance's parents still not coming out to update them. Finally, around midnight his mom comes out, tears staining her face and Keith is the first to meet her.

“How is he?”

“I-in surgery. They said they caught it in time, he had maybe a week left. There was absolutely no way Lance didn't know by now, he... he was letting himself die.” her voice is soft and broken and it pulls at Keith's heart. Then Hunk's gasp and choked cry catches all of their attention.

“He asked me about writing a will earlier. I—I thought—I didn't—he knew.” and he's reduced to tears again, Lance's mother choking back a cry as well.

“He knew?” Keith breathes out, stomach dropping and his face paling. “He knew and he was just going to die?” he wants to be angry, he really wants to but he also finds himself feeling envious of whoever had his attention. Who could it have been to have his love and just... completely ignore it?

The following two days are long ones. The surgery goes well and Lance is stable, his chest is wrapped up over two long and thin scars. It was a close call and the surgery took longer than it's meant to but he's fine and Keith finds it increasingly difficult to leave Lance's side when he doesn't wake up that first day after surgery. Most of their friends go home and come back a few times throughout the day, Lance's parents go and come as well.

Finally, on the second day Shiro forces Keith to leave the hospital with the others for a shower and a _real_ meal. Shiro promises to call the second Lance wakes up, if he does. Begrudgingly, Keith agrees and heads out with Allura, Hunk and Pidge. He's forced into the shower at the dorm building and Allura threatens to wash him herself if he doesn't take at least fifteen minutes and smell like strawberries when he comes out. That alone is enough to get Keith to shampoo twice and scrub his body longer than necessary.

They're at the dorm maybe half an hour before Allura finally lets them leave and they stop at a McDonald's (despite Keith pointing out how unhealthy it is). They're all sitting and eating in silence, Keith eating his fries one at a time instead of in fistfuls like he normally would.

“Have you slept at all?” Allura questions, elbowing Keith lightly in his side.

“Yeah.”

“Really? Because you look like shit.” Pidge points out around a mouthful of burger.

“I nap.” Keith shrugs. “I'm too worried.”

“What's the deal with you, Keith? I know you're worried about Lance, we all are but it was like pulling teeth trying to get you to go shower and eat.” Hunk pipes in, both Allura and Pidge nodding.

“I don't know, I just really care, okay?” Keith grumbles pushing his tray away slightly. “I'm not hungry anymore.”

“We're not leaving until you finish all your food.” Allura states, returning to her own tray.

Keith grumbles something under his breath and Allura opts to ignore it. They sit there for five more minutes before Keith's phone rings and he jumps out of his seat at the sight of Shiro's number. “Shiro?!”

“Hey, he's up.”

“Coming.” Keith hangs up and ignoring his tray, heads for the exit.

“Keith!” said person pauses and looks at Allura who's signaling to his tray.

“Trash it.”

“You don't even have the keys, you better wait!” Allura demands, shuffling his content into a McDonald's bag before pausing at the sound of jingling. Keith holds up her keys and smirks.

“Hurry up or I'm leaving without you guys.”

“That's my car!” Allura shrieks, shoving both her tray and Keith's towards Hunk and Pidge before bolting after Keith.

o.O.o

There's a thumping in his head. Lance takes in a deep breath, groaning and shuffling around under the thin blanket covering his lower body. Blinking his eyes open, he glances around and realizes a few things.

One; he's in a hospital.

Two; he feels... kind of empty.

Three; scratch that, he feels absolutely nothing?

Four; Shiro drools in his sleep.

“Shiro?” his voice is hoarse but still loud enough to catch the older boys attention.

“Lance!” Shiro is at his side in seconds and pressing a hand to Lance's forehead. “How are you feeling? I'll call a nurse to check up on you.”

“Nothing.”

“What?” Shiro pauses, help remote in hand and quizzical look on his face.

“I don't... feel anything.” Lance rephrases.

“Like... pain wise?”

“No, my chest hurts, it's kind of hard to breath with these bandages. But I mean I don't _feel_ anything. Emotions. I know I should be worried or scared but I... feel empty.” Lance explains,pulling the blanket up past his abdomen. “I can't feel anything.”

“I... don't know what to say. We should mention that to the doctors. But do you know what happened?”

“Not really, I remember hanging out with Hunk and then... I woke up here.”

“You uh—you had the Hanahaki Disease. You were with Hunk when you started coughing and then threw up. We brought you here right away and your parents gave the doctors permission to give you the surgery.” Shiro explains, glancing up at the clock on the wall. He had to get a doctor and nurse and he had to tell the others that Lance was awake.

“That's... I don't remember any of it.” Lance's expression is almost detached and it puts Shiro on edge. He's used to seeing a hint of a grin on the boys face but seeing _nothing_ is worse than seeing mischief written into his features.

“I'm going to go tell the others, alright? I'll be right back.”

It's maybe four minutes before a few doctors and nurses are in his room, checking Lance over and asking him questions. They all exchange worried looks when he explains that he can't feel anything and then somebody is bursting into his room.

“Lance! You—you idiot!”

Lance stares at the man who's just entered, head tilted and wondering who exactly that was. He doesn't feel confused or worried as to who it is but he _does_ want to know who it is.

“You could've died, you put everything on the line for some stupid girl? What, you wanted to die in some poetic kind of way? Huh? Is that it? Did you think maybe she'd fall in love with you after you died and she'd suffer the same fate as you?” the guy accuses, Lance doesn't react though, he's not sure how he's meant to react.

That's when he sees Shiro grab the guy by the shoulders and pull him aside, talking to him in a hushed whisper while Hunk, Pidge and Allura both walk past them.

“Lance!” Hunk greets in tears, pulling his friend up and into a gentle hug.

“Hey.” Lance muffles into the shoulder of Hunk's shirt. “Hey Allura and Pidge.” he adds on, hugging both once Hunk moves aside for them.

“You're really something else, you know that?” Allura sighs, shaking her head.

“I'm sorry.” Lance replies, glancing around at his friends, not sure what to say.

“Hey Lance?” it's Pidge who speaks up, “Do you remember who it was? The girl who caused your flowers?”

“I didn't even know I had the disease until I woke up a few minutes ago.” Lance answers with a shake of his head.

“Wait, you didn't know?” Hunk asks in disbelief.

“No.”

“But you asked me about writing a will?”

“I don't remember that either? Maybe it's another side affect?” Lance offers with a shrug of his shoulders.

“It is,” a doctor speaks up, stepping closer to them, clipboard in hand. “Memory loss, anything related to the disease is forgotten as well as the person that caused it. Lance is part of a small ten percent who loses all emotions too. We're hoping he'll develop them back soon though. But recent studies have shown that the longer a person waits for the surgery the less likely they are to regain their emotions if they lose them. Lance had about a week left before the surgery wouldn't have worked for him so there's a very high chance he won't develop his emotions ever again.”

“Wait, you can't feel anything?” Allura asks in shock. Lance shakes his head and all three of his friends look hesitantly at each other.

“But I am wondering who that guy is.” Lance says pointing to Shiro and Keith who are talking in the corner of the room still.

Hunk let's out a confused hum and turns back to Lance. “Shiro?”

“No, the other guy.”

“Keith?” Pidge mumbles, eyes narrowing and slowly widening. “Keith. Guys, it was Keith.”

There's a collective 'What?' from Allura, Hunk and Lance and Pidge motions from Lance to Keith. “It was Keith, he's the reason Lance was dying. He doesn't remember him! He's the only one Lance doesn't remember.”

“I can't believe this.” Hunk whispers with a dry laugh. “Keith, of all people, he's gonna be so... _mad_.”

“You guys still didn't answer my question about who he is.” Lance adds in, all three glancing to him.

“He's your roommate and apparently the person you were in love with.” Hunk explains. “We should... probably explain that to him.” Hunk adds, jabbing a finger over his shoulder in the direction of Shiro and Keith.

“Mhm.” Allura nods, leaning over Lance's bed slightly to look past Pidge. “Shiro! Enough with the lecture, both of you get over here, now.” doing as they're told, both boys move over to Lance's bed, Keith has his arms crossed and angry scowl on his face.

“Sorry Lance, Keith is ready to talk like a civilized person.” Shiro says, nudging Keith.

“Actually... we have some news for you guys,” Pidge starts off, Keith's face softening at the words. “The person who caused this for Lance? Yeah, that was you Keith.”

There's a few beats of silence and then Keith is slamming his hands down on Lance's bed and leaning forward. “What the hell Lance?!”

“Keith!”

“No, fuck manners Shiro, he was in goddamn love with me and didn't say a damn thing! Lance what's your problem you—you have no idea!” Keith tries his best to not shout but his tone is above what would be considered an inside voice.

“Am I supposed to apologize?” Lance questions, Keith's eyes popping wider and his nose scrunching up in flared anger.

“Way to be in fucking insensitive!” Keith growls.

“Actually, he's really not sure if he's meant to be sorry, he lost all of his emotions.” Hunk butts in, jabbing a finger into Keith's chest. “So take a step back Keith.”

“What?”

“Small ten percent of people lose _all_ emotions. Lance is basically a robot now.” Pidge explains.

“But he's going to get emotions back, right? It's just something that happens and goes away after a short amount of time?” Keith asks with a frown.

“The doctor said he's not sure.” Allura starts, “there's a small chance Lance could get his feelings back but because of how long he waited to get the surgery he's at higher risk to never feel anything again.”

“Oh.” Keith breathes out, eyes flickering to Lance's expressionless face. “ _Oh._ ”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any typos and/or grammar mistakes, I didn't proof read this. I've been so busy with the twins (my aunt just had twins on Thursday) and I'm trying to keep up with the schedule at the very least so here's the chapter! I'll go back and proofread it later tonight or tomorrow.


	3. For me--for us

Lance's stay at the hospital is two weeks long. For healing and monitoring, just in case the flowers resprouted. Once he's cleared, his parents help him back to the dorms, everybody there to greet him. He's still emotionless, his voice only ever changing when he forces it.

The first week back is something awful. Keith avoids him and Lance wants to care, he really wants to but he doesn't.

“Hey.” Lance greets, getting back to the dorm earlier than usual, Keith jumping at the sudden noise.

“Hey.”

“I haven't seen you much since I woke up in the hospital.”

“It's not like you know me.” Keith shrugs, turning back to his laptop.

“But I did.” that alone causes Keith to glance over his shoulder at Lance. “And apparently I... cared about you a lot.” Lance adds, setting his bag down by his desk.

“So? It doesn't matter now.”

“But it could.”

“No, Lance. It can't.” Keith huff's, slamming his laptop shut. “Just... just leave it alone, alright? Just leave it alone, you can't feel anything, you can hardly carry a conversation, just—just whatever, you know?”

Lance shifts from foot to foot and finally shakes his head. “No, I don't know.”

“That's my problem Lance.”

“I don't understand?”

“I know you don't.” Keith sighs, sliding his laptop off the desk and into his arms before making his way to the exit, “Like I said, just give it a rest.” and then he's gone with a soft thud of the door shutting behind him.

o.O.o

It takes another full week before Keith finally starts spending more time around the dorm room with Lance around. It's progress, that's something Lance can recognize. The silence is always comfortable for Lance—at least, he thinks it's comfortable—but he notices the way Keith seems to fidget or constantly look around.

“Hey Keith?”

“Yeah?”

“What did we used to do for fun? Like... the two of us? When none of the others were around?”

Keith is silent for a minute before shrugging. “Watch movies? We played video games sometimes or helped each other with homework. One time we bought cookie dough and made cookies down in the dorms kitchen.” Keith explains, eyes never leaving the paper he's “focused” on.

Lance nods, setting his pen down and spinning his chair around a bit. “Can we do something? Something fun I mean.”

There's silence for a little too long and Lance can see Keith's eyes shut tightly before they open and shift in his direction, Keith finally speaking. “Oh... why?”

“It might help, right? Doing something fun to trigger my emotions or... something?”

Lance notices the way Keith's eyes seem to widen a bit, lighting up at the idea apparently. “Yeah, yeah you're right, it might. Why didn't we think of that sooner?”

“Dunno. Can we make cookies though?”

Keith offers to drive them to Target, an hour later, they're finally in the kitchen and Lance is preheating the oven while Keith gets out eggs, butter, milk and the dry mix for the cookies. Lance starts to mix the ingredients when music starts playing from Keith's phone and Lance nearly drops the bowl at the words being sang.

“Keith... do you know what that song is saying?”

“Mix your plate? You played this for me once when we made cake and said that was what it translated to. I thought it'd help you with the memory and emotions thing.” Keith shrugs nervously with a small smile, music thumping in Lance's ears.

“Chapa is slang for ass. That song literally says shake your ass.” Lance deadpans, Keith immediately cutting the song off, feeling a bit embarrassed now.

“But you--”

“Were messing with you I guess. Must've thought it was funny.” Lance shrugs, turning back to the bowl of batter. “Not so much anymore.”

“Oh.”

o.O.o

Hunk watches several different movies with Lance over the span of three days. Hunk running through every emotion known to man in those three days while Lance doesn't so much as crack a smile at any of the movies.

“Look, man, I'm trying. Really, but I'm not sure if you are?” Hunk admits after Kill Bill ends. “That one was one of your favorites, with the whole the hunter becomes the hunted trope going on. You didn't even laugh or jump or anything?”

Lance shrugs, “I don't know what to say or really feel? I guess I enjoyed the movie but I don't really... have a reaction to it? I don't know how to explain it I just? I don't feel anything Hunk, I guess it kind of sucks but I don't really care?” Lance pauses for a second, looking for the right words... but they never come.

“It's like I don't even know you anymore.” Hunk chuckles dryly. “The Lance I knew was always running through his emotions, all of them. It's just not the same. I still love you buddy, it's just hard and so I—I can't imagine how you must be dealing. Well, I mean obviously it doesn't bother you as much as the rest of us probably...it's just hard seeing you like this.”

“And I wish I could change that, for the sake of you and Keith, my family and the others, but I can't. I don't know what to do, I wish I did but I don't.”

Hunk doesn't reply, he just nods, bottom lip trembling visibly and Lance sighs. If Hunk started crying he wouldn't know what to say, it'd be the highest level of awkward he could recognize.

“I should just get going.” Hunk finally speaks, patting his knees a few times before standing. His lips press into a thin line before his tongue darts out to lick his bottom lip. “You're still my best bud, alright? And we're going to figure this out together. Pidge and I will get looking through old archives and see if anybody ever beat those odds. We'll do anything for you.”

“Thanks.”

o.O.o

“We're going to the park, alright?”

Lance sits up against his elbows, bedsheet pooling at his hips. “What?”

“Park. Come on, get dressed.”

“But the sun isn't even up yet.” Lance points out, sitting up fully to stare straight at Keith who seems to hold his ground.

“That's the point.” Keith rolls his eyes. “We're gonna watch the sun come up. That might trigger some sappy feelings in your chest?” Keith shrugs, dropping to sit on the futon and pull his sneakers on. “Come on, we've got half an hour before sunrise.”

“Alright.”

It takes Lance a total of ten minutes to get dressed, quickly brush his teeth and head out the door with Keith right behind him. The walk to the park is quiet but neither seems to mind so much.

“Have you ever watched the sunrise?”

“A few times with my family. My older brother Milo loved getting up to watch the sun but we watched the sunset more.” Lance shares, glancing around as the park sign comes into  view. “Where'd the sudden idea to watch the sunrise come from?”

“Drastic measures?” Keith shrugs with a laugh, Lance nodding without so much as a smile.

They're sitting at the edge of the lake, side by side when the sky starts to change colors. Lance stares straight at the lake and the occasional ripple from a fish. While Keith stares at the grass around his feet instead and a million and five thoughts race through his mind. So much could go wrong with his current plan. It could hurt Lance. It could hurt _him_ it could--

“Keith. The sun is coming up.”

“It does that every day.” Keith jokes, giving Lance a cheeky smile but receiving none. His heart begins to thud loudly in his ears as he decides to go through with it. He had to. Drastic measures. “Lance?”

“Yeah?”

“Look at me.”

Doing as he was told, Lance turns to look at Keith. “I need you to remember everything, I need—want you to feel again. So...” Lance doesn't seem fazed by the words but Keith only gets a look at his face for a few seconds before he's leaning forward and pressing his lips to Lance's in a kiss. Lance doesn't move, doesn't flinch, doesn't pull away but he also doesn't kiss back. Keith breaks the kiss, sitting back and staring far too hard at the grass between them. “Did that help any?”

“Help what?”

“Did you feel anything?”

“Emotionally? No.”

“Okay.”

He was right. Of course he was right. It had hurt one of them and it definitely wasn't Lance who got hurt.

o.O.o

Lance's last class ends earlier than usual so he ends up back at the dorm far earlier than Keith. So of course he starts his essay for next week. He ruffles through the five different articles he's using for sources and decides to paper clip them together.

Which is how he ends up by Keith's desk, rummaging through the drawers in search of Keith's paperclip box. Finally, he spots it under several papers on the desk instead of the drawers. However, upon reaching out for them he somehow knocks Keith's desk lamp off the edge and straight into the trash can by Keith's desk.

Sighing, Lance moves around the desk to fish the lamp out but he spots a clump of purple petals in the trash and his heart skips a beat, a feeling he recognizes right away. Worry. “Keith?” he breathes out just as the feeling of worry fades but he remembers it and he _almost_ feels bitter that that's the first emotion he feels again.

It's a half hour before Keith gets back to the dorm and Lance is sitting on the futon, eyes focused on the trash can by the desk.

“Lance?” Keith questions, walking right past him to set his bag down. “Are... you okay?”

“Are you dying?”

Fear obviously crosses Keith's expressions but it's quickly replaced by confusion. “What?”

“The flower petals in your trash. You have it don't you?”

Keith's eyes seem to light up in a way Lance knows they shouldn't. “You got worried, didn't you? The flowers, they scared you because of me?” He asks far too excitedly.

“I—yeah but--”

“That was the point!” Keith laughs, grabbing both of Lance's hands into his own and pulling him to his feet. “Worry! They were fake, I wanted to spark something inside of you. The strongest emotion people have, worry for those they love.”

“That was...”

“Drastic. Like I told you this morning.”

“I think Hunk will love this.”

“I think everybody will.” Keith smiles, Lance nods, eyes flickering down to their hands. “I'm calling everybody to come over, alright?”

“Alright.”

o.O.o

It doesn't take long for all of their friends to show up at their door. The only thing they were told being “It's an emergency” but once they're all there, Keith is beaming and Lance stares at them all calmly.

“Lance felt worried.” Keith announces, triumphant smile spread across his face. “Like the actual feeling of worry because he thought I was sick--or--well he thought I had developed the Hanahaki Disease.” the others remain silent before slowly, one by one, glancing at Lance who remains still in his desk chair.

Allura is the first to jump in joy and pull Lance into a bear hug, tears welling in her eyes. Hunk is the second and Pidge is third while Shiro seems to sit in silent shock at the explanation. Lance smiles at all of them, not truly feeling happy or excited but _knowing_ that he should. That it’s a big accomplishment for himself--for his friends… for Keith.

“Keith can we talk out in the hall?” Lance overhears Shiro usher the words and said person nods, both leaving the room. Allura, Hunk and Pidge take turns bombarding Lance with question after question but all he focuses on is the door and the two people behind it. What could they be talking about?

o.O.o

Keith and Lance are silent as they sit on the futon, movie credits rolling. It’s been days since Lance felt his first emotions again… days without another success like that.

“You need to hurry up…” Keith mumbles, Lance’s eyes flickering to the side to look at the raven haired boy.

“What?”

“Your emotions. You need to hurry up and feel again…” Keith further explains, letting his head fall back to rest against the wall and his eyes shut.

“I want to but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to trigger feelings again.... I know I should be afraid by that… but I’m not.”

They sit in silence for several minutes before keith tilts his head to the side to get a better look at Lance as he speaks cautiously. “What if I were dying?”

“What?”

“What if was dying.” Keith repeats, sitting up. “Hypothetically. Do you think you’d feel worried about that? Or anything else? Scared? Maybe regret or… or anything at all?”

“I would hope so.” Lance nods.

“I’m dying.”

Lance blinks a few times at the words, his expression completely emotionless. “Stop lying.” he finally whispers, deciding that he doesn’t want Keith playing with his emotions and thoughts just like the flower petals. It was too drastic of a measure for Lance to feel something. He didn’t like it.

“It’s true Lance, I am. That’s why I’ve been so desperate for you to feel something--anything again. Why would I lie about that?” Keith sounds as desperate as his words. He eyes are begging for Lance to believe him but Lance doesn’t _want_ to believe him.

“Stop. This is just like the petals, you were lying, you’re just trying to work me up and I don’t like that Keith. It’s an awful tactic.”

“It’s true! The petals were real but I didn’t want you to be completely worried about it. But I needed you to know now because--because it’ll be too… Lance are you crying?”

Nodding at the question, Lance rubs at his eyes, “I want you to stop. Stop lying, stop.” Lance knows he’s meant to be crying in a situation like this, he knows and it’s reflex when his eyes begin to feel moist but he doesn’t recognize the emotions he’s feeling. But he does know he’s feeling something. He just can’t.... name it.

“I’m sorry, Lance, please stop crying.”

“Who is it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Who caused it for you?”

“... You.”

Lance chokes on a sob and his chest feels tight. “I’m doing it for you… Keith please just… please.”

o.O.o

Time seems to go by at a snail's pace after that. Everyday Lance tries to feel more and more and some days he succeeds and others he doesn’t. He spends as much time with Keith as humanly possible, noticing that he seems to feel the most amount of emotions when he’s around Keith of all people. Some days he feels excited and others he feels frustrated with his slow progress. He begins to feel amused, begins to feel angry again. But love is an emotion he doesn’t seem to feel very often. He feels worry the most… he feels fear the strongest when Keith finally ends up in the hospital.

He’s not there when Keith falls to his knees in the middle of class, choking and coughing up petals. He meets the others at the hospital though and he seems to feel nothing but fear all day.

Day after day Lance goes to the hospital to spend time with Keith. They talk about everything, about classwork, about their friends, their families, Lance kisses Keith’s palm once and he notices the blush cross the boy’s cheeks. Everyday the doctors ask Keith if he wants the surgery, if he’s changed his mind yet and every day is the same answer.

_No._

Lance wants to be angry every time he hears the answer but he knows why. He knows because it was the same answer he would’ve given if he had been given the option to turn down the surgery. Lance notices after about two weeks that when he holds Keith’s hand he feels the most amount of emotions. Fear, worry, regret, pain… all the emotions he doesn’t want to experience but it makes him feel human again, it makes him feel hope and so they hold hands through most of Lance’s visit every time.

“Hey Lance?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you marry me?”

Shock. Surprise. Joy. Three emotions Lance doesn’t mind feeling, in that exact order. “Of course.” Lance laughs, pressing his lips to Keith’s knuckles. “Of course I’ll marry you.”

“Thank you.”

“But you have to get better first. You have to get out of the hospital.” Lance adds, stroke his thumb over the back of Keith’s hand.

“I know.”

“Then after you’re better and out of the hospital we can both finish school. We can have our wedding on the beach.” Lance goes on, Keith smiling at every word. “We’ll get a big house--no, a huge house. We’ll adopt four kids and some dogs and cats and we’ll fill the whole house with love… so… so much love.” Lance goes on, tears spilling down his cheeks. “Love… Keith, we’ll fill that house with love because…”

Lance doesn’t finish the sentence and Keith’s smile slowly dissolves from his face. “I’d love that.” Keith finally whispers. “That sounds like the best thing we could ever do.”

“Keith I think… I think it was _you_ who caused my Hanahaki Disease in the first place…”

Keith doesn’t respond right away, he just nods, his grip tightening around Lance’s hand. “Lance do you love me?”

It’s Lance’s turn to remain silent… did he? He wanted to but _did_ he? He could… “I don’t… feel that towards you but I want to, I wish I could. I… I wish I could again, I would give anything to say that I love you the right way and actually mean it. I just don’t know how.”

“I wish that too.”

o.O.o

The days go by slowly again and Lance has hope that Keith is getting better. That the medication is working, that he’s getting better without the surgery. That it’s because of how much time they’ve spent together, that maybe just his presence is enough to give Keith that hope for love.

Of course, it seems like fate is never on Lance’s side.

It’s a Thursday afternoon when he gets to the hospital, when he’s just down the hall from Keith’s room where alarms are blaring.

His heart drops.

He’s screaming Keith’s name without realizing it and his feet pick up the pace without his permission. He slams past a nurse who tries to force Lance back out of the room but he just pushes harder until he’s by Keith’s side. The nurses and doctors are screaming orders, some trying to pull Lance from the room but he remains in place until Keith reaches for his hand. Tears are streaming down Keith’s face as his body shakes, convulses and Lance feels a flood of emotions. Everything at once. Fear, worry, pain, regret, hate… love.

“Keith! Keith! Stay with us, come on, Keith you’re stronger than this!” the words echo in Lance’s head, words a nurse is shouting from Keith’s other side.

Where was Shiro… where were the others. Lance s in a panic as a breathing tube is shoved down Keith’s throat and the words emergency surgery are being repeated over and over.

“Keith you--you idiot! You should’ve done it!” Lance sobs as Keith’s grip goes limp and his hand is pulled from Lance’s own hand. “You should’ve done it when you had the chance!” Lance sobs as two nurses keep him in place and Keith’s bed is rolled from the room. “You should’ve stayed alive for me--for us!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been............................................ so long. Almost a year BUT I'm back!! I'm updating!! And here it is!! There's only one more chapter after this. Technically two but the next chapter doesn't count as a full chapter. I'll post that one in a bit as well and then the next chapter probably within a week or two.
> 
> Remember to check out my blog over at bluemcclain on tumblr!

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: the original idea is not mine. I did however create the scientific background to the Hanahaki disease. And this story is going to deviate from what likeaslaptotheface originally wrote in their [part two](http://likeaslaptotheface.tumblr.com/post/152807342663/so-a-lot-of-people-are-interested-in-a-hanahaki-au#notes) of their idea. 
> 
> Other fics I've written or plan on writing can be found on my blog: [Bluemcclain](http://bluemcclain.tumblr.com/schedule)


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